My Ideal

A lengthy post, this will be. For in it, I plan to list my ideals for... everything.

My Ideal Life:
Honestly, this one is pretty damn close right now. I have a lot of friends, some who are better than others but life is never boring and I'm never lonely, except on those rare occasions. I wasn't picturing myself getting back into smoking, but I think it makes a statement about who I am, and besides that, it's damn good fun. I wish I were doing a bit better in my classes, but I know why I've gotten off track this much and I know what I will do to correct it next term.

My Ideal Class:
Philosophy. One class I'm making sure to take next term. I can't tell you how much fun it is just to sit around and talk life with people here, no matter how we are doing at that moment.

My Ideal Night:
Grab a few friends, head down and smoke a bowl or two at the local hookah bar, then maybe head to one of their places and have a few glasses of wine and maybe a bowl of something other than tobacco. Top the night off with good conversation, good cigarettes, and good times, and that's what I'd call a full evening.

My Ideal Day:
Wake up at around 6:30 and go out to watch the sunrise with cigarette in hand, as per the norm. Go find a couple people and have breakfast and chat about the day and all of our plans. After breakfast there would be a couple stimulating classes with a nice break after to look over what I had just learned or maybe sit and have a nice read or cigarette break. Then meet up for lunch with a few more people than were at breakfast and talk about the latest hall gossip, have some good food, then off to one more class. After the final class, it'd be studying until around dinnertime with intermittent conversation and activities. Then it'd be night.

My Ideal Tea:
A nice bold flavor that doesn't necessarily need sugar and would be appalling if cream were added. Something mellow and timely.

My Ideal Wine:
A soft fruity flavor with a sharp tang on the finish. It'd go beautifully with a sharp cheese or maybe some soft bread. Mmm.

My Ideal Computer:
Fast as fuck. Ram out the ass. Insert sexual innuendo for graphics card, and fully equipped with all the latest and best online RPGS.

My Ideal Game:
Fast leveling, but intense fights. A complex skill tree system mixed with intuitive experience gains. Obviously RPG, and non-repetitive.

My Ideal Home:
White picket fence in the middle of the country. A big oak tree with a tire swing in the front and a old fashioned pump well in the back with a small space for gardening and a portion for grape growing. Brick in the front with white siding and black roof. Classy windows but nothing pretentious or out of place with a patio, deck, and elegant front landscaping.

My Ideal Religion:
Focuses on your connection with the divine. Unconcerned with or possibly even segregated from religion wars. Anything goes, but use common sense.

My Ideal Cigarette:
Full flavor, natural tobacco, 100, and it crackles when you smoke it.

My Ideal Woman:
At this point, she has to accept the fact that I smoke and either embrace it with me or live with it. Short haired, brunette, glasses, and a smile and eyes that would knock you senseless. Physically, nice legs and face, breasts at about a B, and a cute, hot, smoking ass. Needs to love to discuss random crap like I do, gets easily distracted, and likes to swim.

Ah the debate

Set myself up for heartache, or give up entirely?

A walk in the night

So, as I was saying before, I have this thing for Audrey. And today was the first day that I went without cigarettes. Well, almost. I had one last group smoke with Andy, Jason, Sara, Kevin, and Nick but after that I was done for the day. So, to replace late night smoking, which had become a habit, I’ve taken up going on late night walks. It’s nothing major, sometimes just down to the Kum and Go (yes, I know the name is hilarious) for a late night iced tea. On my way out for a walk I asked Kevin if he wanted to go, he said no, so I went down to the ground floor and asked if anybody around there wanted to go for a walk. I was pleasantly surprised to hear Audrey say she would after she finished her Spanish. We started to walk and I was reveling in the night and reveling in well… being with her. Then we were playing on a statue and some drunk guy came up and we ended up having to talk to him and it ruined my walk and my time with her and I was just kind of depressed. After we finally got him back to where he wanted to go home, we were in front of Hillcrest (our dorm) and she decided to go in, so I followed. We talked for a while, all the while I’m trying to think of something to say or do or anything and just… sigh.

So after that I took a long walk and calmed down a bit, but all I want to do is crawl in bed and be upset with how the night went. I really want this to work.

A new look on life

Today was an interesting day for me. Well, I suppose it wasn’t technically today, but this morning… early morning. Many of you probably didn’t know that I smoked in the first place, quit, and then subsequently came back to smoking. But the majority of you, save a few individuals, didn’t know that I quit this morning again. I would like to say that I came to the conclusion that this was bad for me was because of myself and my own willpower. Sadly, this isn’t true. It took two very select individuals to make me realize this.

First, there was Audrey. We were making our way to the hookah bar (which is something I can’t give up because I love that place so much, but I do want to cut back) and on the way my friend Kevin offered me a cigar and I accepted it. It was when I went to light it that I caught a glimpse of a look that at least I thought I saw on her face about it. Now, it must be noted that I am very, very interested in Audrey, and currently things are going well. Anyway, this look on her face, at least to me seemed to say, “I really, really wish he didn’t smoke.” This seemed to be followed by a soft, moderately hidden sigh, or maybe I just imagined it. But this look was the moment I knew that I really would have to quit smoking.

Secondly, I owe part of it to my friend Kevin, who is quitting with me. We went outside for a smoke, and we ended up really connecting. We decided, right then and there, to smoke all but three cigarettes each of what we had on us, and save the last three for one last smoke break with friends and the other two for a drive back to Madison this weekend. We also walked around town until about three in the morning, just talking and having a good time. We decided to get serious about being grown up. Not to say that I won’t act just as immature as ever, gods no. I just mean that it’s finally time to take life for what it really is and not what I want it to be.

I suppose, if I were to give you a quote that I think I made up myself just now for this situation, it would be, “There’s a point in your life when someone will ask you what you want to do with your life. Instead of saying be a good person, fall in love, or make it big, I would like to say on that day, that I will love everyone and support myself and possibly my family. It’s a huge commitment, yes. Yes, you will fail, be sure of it. But even if you fail, you know that you will pick yourself up again, and be on the right path.”

Maybe it’s all the nicotine and tobacco, or possibly some other things I may have smoked, but I really, truly, and fully think that this is the moment for change. I’m tired of being sad, I’m tired of not giving everything my all, and I’m tired of excepting no as an answer when the answer should be yes. I’m moving on.

Coping

I had a great idea recently, that, at least I hope, will help me cope even further with the few memories that pop in my mind every now and then from the hospital. It’s infrequent, they’re bite size pieces of half information and half imagination, but honestly I still find them terrifying. I decided that I’m going to do my best to draw what I can see picture perfect in my mind down on paper. After all, that’s how all great art is done, and I may not be much of an artist, but I do have the imagination for it. After all, just look at my poetry.

Speaking of ideas to help me cope, I’ve decided to start keeping a personal journal which will jump start a sort of… memoirs if you will. I don’t really think it will be interesting, and it’s a very far jump to say anyone will want to read it, but I think it will help me out a lot.

It’s very clear in my mind what started me wanting to do this, and I can fully and easily tell you. Casimir Pulaski Day, written by Sufjan Stevens. Basically, it’s about a girl who gets bone cancer and a few of the snippets from her struggle and what it does to the people she loves and who love her. I’m not so arrogant to say that I feel as blessed as the people who have survived cancer, but I do feel blessed.

Speaking of blessed, and it’s a leap as is. I realize I get mad easily about things, but… some things I still feel I have a right to get angry about. And, just to point this out. Instead of making excuses about me getting too mad too quickly about things that you people say, why not examine how much I say to actually offend you. Call it a fact, call it a perspective, call it just talking, but watch your fucking mouth before things get out of hand. It’s not like I’m running around showing it off, I talk about it when it’s natural in conversation, I even try to hide it from you because I know it makes you uncomfortable, so do me a favor, and try to hide your nosy opinionated beliefs from me.

Point, set, match.

Blessed be.

Admittance

I'm scared.

Power in Peace

You know, I actually feel a bit odd saying this, but I feel that it’s something I need to share. Have you ever had a moment where you could literally sense power in something? It was tangible, almost visible, and even life changing. Well, imagine feeling that power radiating in your hand, smelling strong and… delicate at the same time. Now, connect yourself to the Earth and through that connection, reach into the Divine inside of the Earth and feel Her and He wrap you in an embrace, both terrifying and beautiful at once.

That’s what I feel in my spirit, in my life, when I connect to something bigger than myself, through something so simple as a few words, and a tool to meditate.

The Dark Knight and the Dark Ages

So, I honestly at this point don’t know if people just really aren’t registering it, or if they think it’s a phase, or if they just well, don’t fucking care to have any sentiment towards some things, but… what the fuck is this?

Aesthetic Muse (12:30:09 AM): I joined a Pagan group based out of UI
Aesthetic Muse (12:30:13 AM): SPIRAL
Aesthetic Muse (12:30:29 AM): Society of Pagans Invested in Reviving Ancient Lifestlyes
GirlMLover (12:30:38 AM): id say cool but idont think it is, so im happy for you?
GirlMLover (12:30:41 AM): lol idk how to put it
Aesthetic Muse (12:30:47 AM): happy for you
GirlMLover (12:30:49 AM): you know what i mean
GirlMLover (12:31:12 AM): i don't agree but im happy you found what you're looking for even if it isn't God

Now, I took this fairly well compared to yesterday, I calmly stated that, that was the incorrect thing to say in response to a choice I’ve made. I calmly said I’d prefer not to talk to her for a bit to refrain from chewing her head off. I think I was far most level-headed this go-around. That being said… WHAT THE FUCK DUDE!?

So, I’ve decided, most people, don’t get to know anymore. Why? Because they’re shitheads. SO! Moving on.

Dark Knight. Fucking. Bitching. Go, now, if you haven’t. Literally, stop reading this blog now, get your damn keys, and go. I’ll wait.

*twiddles his thumbs for three hours*

OMFG! Did you see the part where! And then when he! OMG! Fuck… THAT’S how you do the Joker dammit!

Now, that being said, Heath Ledger, we miss you. I personally believe you overdosed on purpose, I don’t think it was because of the part you were playing at the time, I think that you most likely were just depressed, and couldn’t take it anymore.

THAT being said, I am very happy with the way Harvey Dent was done, it was far better than I expected going in, and it kicked Batman Begins’ arse.

So, I’ve become a facestalker somehow, wish I knew, but I am one. My alcohol education course starts Monday, I’m SO excited for that. *rolls his eyes* Maybe I’ll have a vodka and tonic while I’m doing it…

Work continues on www.rasiapets.com cause Evo went up in flames cause Joe is fucking cunt. God rest his soul in hell. I’m making Breakout, props to Steve Woz. Props to Steve Jobs too I suppose, but the iPhone can burn in hell for all I care. I’m going with a hell theme in this paragraph.

So, cheeken pen tomorrow and a nice long five six hour drive
I think I’d rather stab myself in the face with this pen I have here. Luckily, I still have my six new CDs. Okay, five, but still.

Peace to the people.

Let Down

Bla bla blag. Really I’m here to say, Indiana fucking sucks. Spent a week here, don’t really ever want to spend another hour here and I have… about a day and a half before I start heading to Rae’s place. We have to build the chicken pen.

The REAL reason I decided to blag today, is because I’m extremely angry. Why you may ask? As some of you may know, a while back Kathy Lee Gifford insulted Pagans on the Today Show and her apology on air was… sub par. So, I’m angry about it and I decide, shockingly enough, to tell my friends that I’m mad so they can help bring me back down, as they often do. First one I talk to is Mary, who when I show the clip tells me, and I’m quoting here to, “get over it”. Granted, here, that I tend to get worked up over things sometimes, but those times are FEW and FAR between. That’s not okay. I don’t care if you were in a bad mood at the time, I don’t care the circumstances. I can get carried away, but there are things that just don’t swing for me, and one of them is when my religion gets insulted. Honestly, I went to her first because she was the one who usually defended me first, but, I suppose no ones perfect. And why would I expect people to be there for me? After all, if anyone has learned the opposite, it’s me.

This is a personal note to Kathy Lee Gifford: Your complete lack of social tact in dealing with this matter has left thousands upon thousands angry and in some cases, working their arts against you. I have no intention of casting curses as I don’t use magic, but I can clearly see the eagerness that it will and would have been done in this manner. I hope that you very soon reap the consequences of your false apology.

Pre-tea Time v2.0

Merry meet folks.

So, today, when the people were supposed to come they didn't. Mainly because after I mowed our friends lawn, I was completely exhausted, I still am. My back is killing me and my head is completely messed up. Part of that may get attributed to the fact that I was doing research for a role-playing thing and I just ended up having to stop because my eyes started to hurt. Not ONCE has that ever happened to me. It was quite the odd experience.

Well, I've decided that for my tea tonight, I'm going to see if I can trick my body yet and give it normal tea instead of the sleep stuff. I think it will work, just because I'm so tired. I can't wait for Friday though, I get to hang out with my best bud Marebear. I have no idea what we're going to do, but I know it will be fun. Probably something Angel or Buffy related.

I would keep going, but I'm just way too tired for it.

Blessed be everyone.

Pre-tea time v1.0

Merry meet, folks.

Today was one of my lazier days. I woke up at about 8, despite my earlier bedtime. In some respects I think this is robbing me of the value of my sleep and just giving me sleep. Oh well, do what you can I suppose. Nothing really special went on today.

I hung out with a gal I know for about five hours (12-5). She's a neat chick. We watched Boston Legal and played Guitar Hero for basically all that time we didn't spend in line at Qudoba or Blockbuster. I did end up getting a kiss from her, and I forgot how nice just a simple thing like that can be. At the end of that my friend Kyle called and asked if he could hang out, I wasn't real into the idea, but I said sure because... well, he's one of the few friends I feel like I have left.

It ended up not working out because we wanted a third party (Buschky) to come over so we could get "The Classic" going. Which is, movies, cutthroat, and pizza. It's fun everytime somehow. They may be coming over tomorrow, which will be a nice addition to an otherwise boring day.

In gaming world, I did no botting today, sadly. I guess I want to get it fully automated before I keep it running. I didn't even touch Achaea, which was a welcome change. Don't get me wrong, the game is fun, but it's a game that can drag on you. Instead I played Oblivion and started to try out Metroid Prime: Corruption. So far I'm not a fan.

In the religious spectrum, I'm still a little upset with my mom telling me my faith is wrong, the little that I have. Those are not exact words, but they're close enough. I really feel like I should pick up some Wiccan reading to prepare myself for when I go to college and try and find a coven to join. After meditating on the sky a bit, I've decided that right now, it will be best to take it easy, and not push myself to change.

And lastly, I'm going to lie to myself for a long time, hoping I forget her. I just hope that works.

Blessed be.

Changes

Merry meet.

So, as some of you may know, and others of you do not, I've begun to start a sleep schedule. Up at 6, down at 10. Now, I've been trying to work out a routine to get my body used to this, and it's working fairly well, but I wanted to add something to my routine. I want to start writing for you guys again, the few of you who bother to read this, the few who really care.
So, in my first blog that isn't me whining about something (not completely at least) I want to say thank you to you, the readers. It's always nice to let my feelings get out somehow, and most times I do it in a few capacities. I love you all, even the few that may come here just to hear someone else's problems so that you don't have to focus on your own for a moment. I know how valuable those moments can be, and I'm glad I can share in that part of your life in some small way.

So, what do I plan to talk about every night? I have no idea, but I feel that it's something that's always been missing from my life. I love writing, but never write. Ironic, huh? So, while I sit here, waiting for my sleepy time tea to cool and listen to some of my more soothing music (which generally happens to be about love) I'll think of things to say.

For starters, today I was really scared. I know, shocking to some of you, and others of you are thinking, "So what?" Well, I haven't been scared, really scared, in a long time. Sure, I've been worried, anxious, even a little cautious, but today I realized something about myself that really scares me. I'm a guy who will go to a lot of lengths for a girl, and I think I've discovered a lot of
that length is to get a chance to get into her panties. Blunt, I know, but hear me out.

I've had a friend that I've known as long as I've known my best friend. Now, subconsciously I always knew she had a crush on me, but I chose to block that out, until recently. Maybe it's the desire for a relationship to sustain me, maybe something else, all I know is that feeling each other up in the back of a dark theater is not where I want to be. Well, it is, because I'm a guy and love sexual things. Sue me. Then, things started to get a bit more interesting; for instance, she said I could give her head, which she knows I've always wanted to try, and she hinted at the possibility of other delights. Again, blunt, I know.

At first I was excited, ecstatic even, to be the object of her sexual desires. Then, when I stopped and took a minute from my purposefully distracting life, I thought, "What in the hell am I doing? This isn't how I want to experience this." And that's when I got scared. I let myself get carried away, and I was nervous and even sick to my stomach at the thought of what could have happened if I hadn't refused the offer as soon as all this hit me. To be frank, I'm still a little shaken up.

Maybe what we all really want, is sex after all. Goddess, I hope not, otherwise we're all in for a bit of hell.

My tea's ready.

Blessed be.

Monster v3

Merry meet.

Well, it's 10:35, and thanks to some really potent tea I'm barely awake. For you insomniacs out there, Just for Kids organic Nighty Night tea by Traditional Medicinals. I went back and talked with Patty, told her how I still feel about it, then I got to see the large number of people who heard about it, come back and tell me it was a bad idea. In response to this, I've decided to take a break, or at least a moderate break from her, and quite a few things really.

Firstly, I've decided to get more serious about my responsibilities, no more late nights unless it's a special occasion for one. Secondly, I've decided that the people who care for me the most, don't think this is a good idea, and as many times as I've begged them to listen to me, I'm listening to them this time. I'm not going to pursue anything with Patty again, and I may slowly begin to walk away so she can have a resolution and so can I to this... odd relationship. I have to say, I'll think of her fondly. Thirdly, no more being a mess. I'm going to clean up my act in general, as well as clean up.

I can't say I'm really upset about not getting what I want, as I often have, but looking back on the things that I wanted and didn't get... I think it was good for me, and I should have experienced more of it. This is going to be one of those experiences.

So, if for some reason, you're out there Patty, reading this, I'm officially, letting it die. The only thing I can wish for you is good times and good friends, and hopefully someone better than I was. The only thing I can wish for me, is someone who can understand the complexities I have.


Blessed be.

Monster v.2

So, basically the story right now is, I feel like I'm in hell. I can't eat, sleep, or even really entertain myself anymore. The few friends that are still speaking with me, which is about ten, are worried sick about me. Sometimes, when I'm really having a bad moment, it's hard to breath, impossible to think. I know, it may sound overdramatic, and it is.

I wish I could explain, why I can't get over her. Maybe it's because I think about her so much. Maybe it's because I still say that she's the perfect girl for me that just doesn't really realize how devoted I want to be to her, but... no matter what the reason is... I can't help myself.

Monsters

The cold metal burns my hand
As I touch the doorknob again
I know what lays behind
The door that haunts my dreams

I can't help but think that
This time things will be different
That this time, I won't see
The monster behind the door

I can only imagine her
Once again baring claws
And showing off her fangs
Before devouring me

I can't stop myself from looking
Just one more time before
I lay down and rest knowing
There is a monster in my life

Long, long, long, long, long week.

So, here we are again. What is this, a mere four days since my last post? Well… let’s go over my week. Lets start at one of my favorite parts so far. Patty. Mmm, love to hate that girl. I don’t even remember if I wrote that I contacted Patty again to be friends, just friends and that was the intention; don’t even get me started on that. I didn’t even start with her, it was her friend Rappe (actually Michael, but Rappe’s the nick). He was a really cool guy and he knows Patty well since his girlfriend Maddie is her best friend. Well we got to talking and I decided that I would like to be friends with Patty. But then we started talking about why things didn’t work out and who’s fault it was and personally I felt like I got the heavy hand that I didn’t deserve, which again, bear with me, is probably true. So, after a long time of talking I realized that I indeed, still loved her, and like an idiot, I blurted this out. Understandably she was upset and understandably didn’t want anything to do with it. I made promises and such but nothing came of it. Two days after my confession of love, I get slammed with, “Would you mind if I went out on a date with ?” Yea. That hurt.

Now, here is where things get interesting. A girl that I love and have attempted dating and I had another little fling where we wanted to get together again. This was two days after I got stabbed in the gut (figuratively). So, we had a night of happiness and talking and yay, happy days. Then she gets to thinking about the hang ups. We live really far apart. Toughy, yes, but not unconquerable. I say I plan on visiting, which I still wish were an option but I really don’t know. Fire number two. I want kids, she doesn’t. This one took me a little longer, but finally I decided that I was willing to give up my dream of having a son and daughter (Cyrus and Aurora) for her. Didn’t even get to tell her before fire number three. This one was the, “I need an irreversible commitment from you.” one. Yea, can’t do that. Can’t do that for any girl unless I’m damn sure she’s the one I’m gonna marry, and that commitment will be made the second I decide to propose. Now, she hasn’t been around which is good because I need some time off from the drama with her, and bad because I really need her to keep my sanity sometimes.

And now, for the finale. I used to be really, really, really good friends with a woman. She and I had some… moments together and one day she accused me of only using her for “entertainment”. That… tore me up. I really was not the same guy I used to be after she accused me of that. And I had to cut off connections with her and some others I knew through her to keep my sanity, because it was slipping. Well, long story short, two years later. Two years. We just got back together and all around apologies and exchanged words of loves, which I maintain we still both do love each other, but again, just yesterday, I got accused of using her again.

Long story short, I’m really not doing well. I’m watching most of my long standing friends fall around me or slowly leave to new things. It’s not a good feeling and I don’t want it to keep going. Lucky for me I’ve found some more friends in a game I used to play that I picked up again because I was bored one day. I hope things get better.

And I'm back in the fray

Well, it's been a while since I've bothered to write anything for this thing. I suppose in a lot of ways, I don't want to share my feelings anymore, as most of the time it's just left me upset and disappointed in those around me. Turns out, I was an idiot about Patty the second time. I don't know if I wrote about that or not, but I was, and I'll admit it. I think my brother-in-law's opinion was probably spot on, even though I didn't want to accept it at the time. The reason I started to miss her, was because I forgot what a bitch she was. I officially hate driving with my father, mainly because I get sick in the car and then am out for about two days after, and then have to get back in and be sick again. It's like a perpetual hell really. One nice thing has occurred from graduation. I bought a really good manga, albeit confusing. The Demon Ororon. Very good. The characters actually keep their own motives and don't sacrifice them for the all-devouring monster known as the plot. Basically a human girl falls in love with the devil and he has to kill to survive. She doesn't want him to kill, and love conquers all, not. Go pick up the series, it's great.

Anyway, what's happening with me. Once again, I'm falling for a girl who doesn't really give a shit about me, at least that's how she acts. Again, I think it's just an act, but hell, I've been wrong before. To hell with it all.

Water Reeds

After a bit more drama in my life, I’ve been thinking about what kind of person I truly want to be. I think I’ve come to decide, I want to be like a reed in the water. Now, bear with me. My idea is that I want to have a strong base of belief so I won’t be caught up in just anything, but I think it’s important to be open to the opinions and influences of others, otherwise you end up a close minded idiot. And finally, I think we should all stretch past the current ideas to the new, the unattained, in other words, the sky.

Well, our musical is all said and done, and to tell the truth, I’m a little disappointed. This was the last thing really tying me into my high school career. I really got to like our director (in truth, she’s one of the few Christian people I can honestly say, don’t bother me with their religiosity) and her and I are talking about if I’ll be able to be in the cast of a play headed up in Oregon during the end of summer/fall. I don’t think I’ll be able to, and that’s kind of disappointing, because I do honestly like acting, and I’d rather just act than sing and act.

Hrm, what else is new? Oh, art. Mrs. Kapral, my high school art teacher, is starting to push for us to finish up some of our more difficult projects, and I’m not as much annoyed as I am frantic about it. This is what I’ve always hated about Art classes, the push for inspiration. It’s one reason I don’t think I could ever be say, a writer or an illustrator.

Oh, once again me and Patty are split up, I know, you didn’t even know we were back together, but we were briefly then she once again proved to me she didn’t care about me, so I got mad, and then she left me for some other guy because I got mad. It’s all very annoying and I have completely lost any remnant feelings I had had for her.

I’ll be leaving soon for my senior trip to San Antonio, Texas. I suppose all I can say is that I’m excited but at the same time, I know from this point on, it’s all downhill. The future is a scary concept sometimes.

Her

I consider myself to be a mature and rational person. For some reason lately, that maturity and that rationality have been replaced by incontinence and paranoia. My usually active personal life and my dim social life has been switched to just the opposite. In several ways, I think I was changing for her even though that was the last thing I wanted to do at that time. Hell, maybe I was just making an excuse to get out of that one and on to the next one. All I know is, I think I may be going back. I need to have a long talk with her and with a few others first, and I'm sure my sister may pipe up and say something too. If my parents see me going back, I have no idea what they'll say. I'm not even sure she wants me back, and there have also been some more... unsavory actions on her part. But I must admit, she made me happy. I'd rather her read this than anyone else, but, it's a blog, what can I do? I'm still finding myself picking up the things I have of hers... and remembering just a bit too much. I guess I'm going to talk it out at some point.

Poncho Tacos

My poncho thooooough!

That’s probably my new favorite phrase, and I’ve only been at my sister’s house for about three and a half hours. We’re making tacos and it’s literally freezing cold in here. So cold that I had to use my sister’s poncho as a blanket (well in actuality it’s because I saw the poncho and not the blankets first). I’ve got Bailey (her rat terrier) next to me wheez-breathing as always, and I’m watching Todd play Madden right now. Tomorrow we may be going to Cosco, and it’s always fun to watch them argue/shop, so I’m looking forward to it. The past two days have been really busy though. On Wednesday I had school then after school I hung out at my friend Kyle’s house where we watched Seinfeld for about three hours, then headed over to Wendy’s and made our own Baconators out of a double stack and a jr. bacon cheeseburger. A little messy, but delicious. I’m thinking I’ll have to try the new spicy baconator soon, and then possibly a baconator on a baconator… mmmm, heart diseaselicious.

After that we (Kyle, Kyle and I) headed over to Steven’s house for the night where we had a rousing Halo-thon. I won, naturally. One of the Kyle’s got sick in the middle of the night, and had to get picked up by his dad at 3 in the morning, but other than that it was a good night. We woke up (at least I did) around 9 in the morning after watching American Gangster (yawn, boring flick). At around 12, we headed out to play practice (Steven and I) and we were there until at least 4:30. After that I figured going home for twenty minutes just to turn around to go to the senior dinner would be pointless, so I hung around East Towne mall for about an hour and a half, and I got a new book which I’ll be reading tonight and tomorrow. Then the senior dinner came, happy times with awkward non-conversation and bleh conversation when it was happening. The food was fantastic though. I had eggplant parmaggana (don’t even fucking as me how to spell that) and I must say, everyone says that things taste like chicken, but this stuff ACTUALLY tasted like chicken. Like, on the nose chicken. After that I went home to start cleaning so I could come to my sisters. Bleh, long long day. By the way, a formal goodbye to Mr. Hettmansberger who I will miss dearly but am not obsessing over.

So, I’m going to huddle under my blankets with the dog who provides me with warmth, and wait for tacos, because I finished eating the whole half a bag of sunflower seeds I had left.

Swallows

Swallows

The sun rises in profile again
To greet me again this morn
My eyes blink open though
Showing my soul as worn

I stagger to my feet
Meandering to the door
My face full of sorrow
And my mind at war

I don’t know what I’m doing
Or why I’ve been doing it
I’ve been lost in the light
Of a dream I have knit

I turn to the window
Lost as to what to do
Suddenly a sound echoes
A melody begins to ensue

The swallows outside
Are welcoming the sun
Singing to their children
And the commuters on the run

I wonder how they find
That they can live the day
When all around seems
To leave me in dismay

But the gentle tones
Seem to me to whisper
“Young child, press on.
The air today is crisper.”

I eagerly take pleasure
In the small joy I found
The birds rescuing me
With their soft, gentle sound

Sadly, now I must continue
On my day however meager
But one thing I will say
The event for which I am eager

When I come back in the gloaming
Settled in my new delight
Excited for the new day
And the beauty of the coming light

I don't know if I want to open up. In a lot of ways that poem I just wrote tells more than I could with just a simple piece of prose. Basically, I don't know who I can trust anymore, or if I can trust anyone anyway. Maybe it's too hard of a question for anyone to answer, from whatever walk of life they maintain. Maybe it's just time.... for a new day.

Attention/Crutch

So, I decided to do an interesting thing today for my blog. I’m in class right now and I’m going to describe the attention span and different noises around me.

Right now, we’re studying principles of God (blech) and there are about five people with their Bibles out following the instructor. About once every minute six separate people cough. There are sounds of people blowing their nose almost constantly. The girl right next to me is reading a book. The guy on the right side of her is talking to the girl behind him, and the girl two desks up and one left of me is making different signs to communicate across the room. The girl in the front left corner is drawing, and I can smell Purell being poured out of a bottle now. The guy one desk behind and one left of me is tapping on his coffee mug, and now he’s tapping his cheeks and making an O with his mouth. Kind of an odd noise. There is a distinct sound of papers ruffling nearly constantly, and the clicks and clacks of the keys under my fingers are quiet even though they generally will gather attention. Now our instructor is reading into a music stand again so none of us can hear him. Uh oh, a question. None of us really know the answer, no one was paying enough attention. Good news though, we got him to repeat it and explain it more. Now a few people can bullshit their way through it and try and impress him.

I suppose I’m doing this for a couple reasons. First, I want to say that the attention and focus of the American youth has deteriorated. I can’t imagine why… oh wait, yes I can. Any show has commercials, and both the shows and commercials bombard our minds with quick, sharp images and move on to the next image quickly. There’s a lack of concern for those who truly do have Attention Deficit Disorder because so many people claim to have the disorder. When in truth, very few people actually have it; they just get bored too easy from having so many different things to do. You realize, it’s generally people who can afford to fill their lives with meaningless activities that claim to have the problem. I suppose I’m a skeptic when it comes to ADD claims. In my days, I’ve really only met one person I thought had ADD, and I was his tutor. My god, if I did not hold his head down on his book, he would not do his work. People need to learn how to be bored, myself included. The value of a lecture (maybe not this lecture though) is in the monotony of it. If you don’t pay attention, you’ll miss something and be remiss when it’s time to review, the material.

On to the next topic; this one being a little more personal than random thinking. You know who you are. You know why I do what I do. You know I do it because it’s the way I relate to people. I tease them. I joke around with them about them because I love them. If I don’t do that, I most likely don’t care about them. You know I care about you, so why I ask, is it when I tease you more than other people, a clear indication that I enjoy your company, you feel the need to lash out and attack me. There is a clear distinction I sensed between when I know you’re playing with me, and what I heard and got from you today was far less than decent treatment, especially to the one person you claim you can actually trust. You attacked me, wittingly or not, you still did it. Why not just suck up that fact that you actually have to deal with the issues and not just push them off under you, over you, and ESPECIALLY not onto me. I am not a crutch to be used. I am a person who WILL give a shit about your life, IF you choose to let me and IF you do not prove to me that you are not worth my trust, my faith, my love, or my tolerance, I WILL drop you out of my life without hesitation. The worst part about it, is after I call you on it, explain why it upsets me, and genuinely try and calmly explain it to you, you try and turn it around and blame it on me. It is not my fault if you fail to come to me and tell me what is over the line. That, my possibly former friend, is the bottom line. The even MORE offensive portion is what your away message turned into, and I do quote here, “And just when I thought I could get two nights of sleep in a row >.>” So, let me get this straight. Not only are you blaming me for you snapping at me, your having a miserable day, and our argument, but now you’re blaming me for your lack of sleep. Go to hell.

And, lastly today, I thought I would leave you with a quote of my own.

“Things don’t get better, they get worse. The difference is when you start to make things get better.”

Random

Random people, I have decided, are some of the most annoying people on our planet. For instance, when I was playing an RPG online, I was guild recruiting because we’re a small guild and we need members, badly. I walk into a new area with a general chat that gets activated before the guild recruitment chat by a fair amount, so I figure, “What’s the harm, I’ll just send the guild ad out on the general now.” And I did. Three separate people (all on the trade chat which I found particularly ironic) instantly pipe up with comments like, “Nice spam.”, “Make sure to join the guild that spams on the wrong channel.”, and etcetera, etcetera.

Now, my thoughts are, firstly, on the trade channel you see at least five ads for the same item within a period of three minutes. Secondly, if you don’t want to join the guild, why comment on it? Most people who aren’t already in a guild are looking for the more intelligent ones, because I’ve been in a few, and I’ve found out that four out of five are filled to the brim with gay jokes and other stupid comments, not decent conversation. Thirdly, I don’t care. You can insult me all you want, but that just makes you look like a weaker individual, especially when you do it without tact and wit. Fourthly, how moronic does a person have to be to think he can tear someone down with a comment like “Nice spam.” Admittedly, it is a spammy message, but it’s the guild approved one, so there’s really no point in bothering with arguing with something that’s voted on and decided on as a guild. At least call me a dick or something that might actually insult me.

But it’s not just online that random people are bastards. A while ago I was in ShopKo looking for new games to indulge my incessant need to game, and two girls walked past me and made the following comment about me while I was still in earshot, “Did you see that ugly guy?” Okay, firstly, I have more decency than to turn around and start an argument in a store with small old women and people who are hung over from last night’s parties. Secondly, wow, be more superficial. Seriously, I’m shocked and amazed that our society is this degenerate. Thirdly, you aren’t any looker yourself if you’re reading this. Fourthly, random people do not have the right to comment on my physical appearance, taste in anything, or actions unless I give them the right to by extending the title of acquaintance to them willingly.

So, as a new experiment, I have decided I will go around and introduce myself to random people, then insult them and walk away. I expect to be beaten, but I’m going to send my message to each random person in person, one at a time.

Now, on to our next order of business. Damn, busy night. I’ve deleted and blocked several people on my AIM, MSN, and WoW lists. All of them annoyed me. I’ll go through the list quickly. Andrew, you and I were never that good of friends. Patty, don’t get me started. Alex, you can’t carry on an intelligent conversation and I’m sick of hearing that you’re bored, I don’t care. Elle, I don’t want to hear about your wild and crazy nights with your boyfriend, you got hammered and smoked up and probably will get pregnant soon; you’re a disappointment to anything I had hoped for in a friend. Miranda, eh, just someone I don’t talk to enough to warrant looking at her name. John and Jewels, I have never spoken to either of you on AIM, get off my list. Sarah, you’re bothersome. Alesha, no one and I mean no one tells me what my motives are, you’re wrong, you’re a bitch, go away. Erin and Mike, I really don’t want to hear about your sex lives and your Halo streaks, off. Lars, you’re a nice guy, just not talkative enough. Aaron, I am sick of your conspiracy theories. Christine, you’re weird and overly chatty about stupid things. Stefan, you’re mopey, move on. Mariko, if that is your real name, you are a slut. Lio, again, not talkative. And Kika, never really got along with you. Melissa, FUCK YOU. Rob, you’re a mopey, whiny, insignificant, cheating, whore. Badkitteh, stop flirting, you have a boyfriend. And lastly, several random insulters on WoW. Phew, lots of jackasses.

So, we have a run through of Act One of The Sound of Music tomorrow and Tuesday. Not looking forward to it, especially since I missed a few rehearsals for it, but at least we have a cool director, who has yet to learn my name. I think I really need to take a day off WoW though. Too much bleh. Maybe I’ll just fish, for some reason I find a sick pleasure in it.

Oh, last thing. Marina. On the very off chance you are reading this, there are a few things I want you to know. Firstly, Griffin is a deuce bag who will throw you on the curb after he gets you pregnant. Secondly, using my friends to be able to see my dick boyfriend, and not leveling with them about it is stupid. At least tell them so they can cover your ass. They’re your friends, not people who will turn you in for reward money. Thirdly, hurt them again, I will mentally break you down to what you are, a maggot on the rotting flesh of popular culture. And fourthly, I do hope you end up getting home schooled so you stay the hell away from them. They deserve better than you.

Moving On

So, I did it. To everyone I insulted, I’m sorry. To everyone I was harsh to, I’m sorry. I had to be. It took most of my cold heartedness to leave her on the street, figuratively speaking. In commemoration of this occasion, I would like to share a poem of my own creation.

Get Out

In my doorway she cried
I stood there bleary eyed
Wondering what to do
Even though I knew
What she would ultimately do

She came in and told me
All the things she could see
I nodded thinking what
I could do for her but
I already knew what she’d do

She took off her clothes
Begged me in prose
To bed her then and there
And weave my fingers in her hair
But she’d shown me what she’d do

I kicked her out of my house
And threw her the blouse
And without a word to her
I showed her what she’d incur
A door in her face

I’m done being used. Done being toyed with. Done being changed. Done being thrown around. Done being all of that. Fuck it. Cut it. Print it. Run it. It’s over.

In a lighter mood though, I am getting to be better friends with people I rarely talked to before, hopefully I didn’t completely destroy some bridges that shouldn’t have been burned.

And yes, I stole the quotes on the side idea from my sister, but I like it, sue me.

Was I right?

There’s not much of a reason for me to write this right now, but I was bored while watching Boston Legal and started reading my sister’s blog and happened upon this, “Nathan. Get off your butt and write in your blog already.” So here I am.

I’m starting to think that a girl I like, doesn’t want me to be with her in the first place, and is just leading me on. I told her that I don’t want to date for four years, and she says she doesn’t really want relationships right now either. Despite her saying that however, she’s dated… two different guys since I have expressed my interest, one after I told her my plans for my future and one after I expressed said interest. Now, joy oh joy, I’m talking to her online, and I really don’t know what to say. Education has always been something important to me. Important to my family even. For someone to say they’re going to drop out of high school… I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s an insensitivity in me right now, maybe it’s the lack of affection I’m getting, or hell, maybe I’m just a dick. Probably the latter.

So, aside from the mild onslaught of a depressive attitude, things have been going well for me. That whole week of being sick really took its toll on my grades and on my extra-curricular activities. Rehearsal is starting to become more of a dreg on my life than something to look forward to, and I find myself starting to become more annoyed with the people in my school. In a lot of ways, for a lot of people, I think they are idiots. Every last one of them. Don’t get me wrong, there are some decent ones in the lot, but most are blindly eating what gets hand fed to them and don’t even bother to examine topics for themselves. That or they want to be “gangsta” or “cool” so they do drugs or smoke or drink regularly.

Meh, I just think I need some time to relax… TGIF.

Superheroes

Inspiration has struck! Thanks to my sister yet again, but don’t tell her, and if you’re Rachel don’t read that…

Anyway, it’s getting to be a new season in my life. I’m going to be off and about on my own in… six or seven months. It may seem like a long time now, but whenever I lay down to go to sleep, I think about what happened during the day and time seems like it just flies by. I don’t know if eighteen year olds even get to say this yet, but in a big way I feel like I’ve wasted my years. I don’t have many lasting memories with any of my high school friends, at least not any good ones. I’ve never been a terribly social person, unless it was sneaking down to my sibling’s parties, but I was young and liked to hang out with the big kids who were “cool” to me back then. I think I lost perspective of “cool” a long time ago. “Cool” used to be someone who had nice sunglasses and a leather jacket, greased hair and a nice car. Now it’s some kid in prison because he shot a guy at school, or the kid who’s got a picture of some girl sucking him off taped up in his locker. I think in a lot of ways we all lost perspective.

Maybe that’s what America needs. That and some common sense. Yes, that was partially a Lewis Black reference; I have the CD, sue me. All the people that we idolized, singers, actors, athletes, and most anything in between… have they really stood up to be the paragons that we should be looking to admire? Brittney, Lohan, and Clemmings have all seem to fall through the cracks in those standards, and call me close minded if you will, but I don’t think rap artists, drugs, guns, and ‘bling’ are cool. It may be an old and cliché idea, but I think the reason I love comic books and fantasy are because of the heroes. The real ones. Not only are they handsome or beautiful as seems to be a requirement by modern society, but they actually have character. They fight, not for themselves, or for money, but for us. Selflessness. Kindness. Sacrifice. Generosity. Intelligence. They have an inner struggle, if it’s love, death, repentance, guilt, shame, or just the ideal of justice. It’s a beautifully woven tale in each drop of ink detailing a characters face.

I know I’m young, I do, but as I like to say, I have the body of an eighteen year old, the mind of a thirty year old, and the maturity of a five year old. Still, there’s an eloquence and a majesty in watching someone struggle. It’s beautiful to watch the tethers of life weigh down someone and seeing them, as an angel of sorts, use every effort to pull away. (In fact a gorgeous picture of that came into my mind, I’ll see if I can sketch it later.) And as I was saying in the beginning of this, I don’t know exactly where I’m going. Right now I’m a little worried about being forgotten by a few people, even though I was forced to stop communication with them, but I still wonder if they’ll remember me. I’ll be moving on in this dirtball we call Earth soon, and I can’t help but sit back and think that all I’ll ever amount to is what I’ve always feared I would, nothing. I want to do something, anything. I want my name to be talked about, and for once not in a negative manner. But… there’s just a part of me that says… are you up to it?

I’d say I am. I have a lot of things I could do something to be remembered by. Science, art, writing, math, you name it and I can probably do it. I don’t know, I guess right now, I’m just wishing I were a superhero.

A Valentine

We may get in fights, or have small times where we can’t stand each other. Sometimes we may give false sympathy or none at all. I can’t promise I’ll always be the man you deserve; I don’t really think anyone could. I do know however, no matter how mad I get at you, there will always be something about you that will remind me of how stupid I’m being, and convince me to come back. I may be too stubborn when it comes down to the wire, but I promise, I’ll try to be the biggest man I can be for you. I can’t wait to see your smile face to face. I want to hold your hand on a walk through the autumn leaves. I want to laugh about little things with you (like chipmunks with nuts in their cheeks). I hope you don’t think that I’m just being a romantic; I really do want all those things. Sadly, to get them I have to wait. I’m just reminded of simple things that I know about you… and they make me smile.

My opinion of certain people

OKAY! I GET IT! YOU HATE VALENTINE’S DAY! ALL OF YOU DO! SHUT UP! NO ONE CARES! GO THE HELL AWAY! I LIKE IT AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO RUIN IT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T MANICALLY DEPRESSED!

Jesus, ya fuckin’ bitches. Why don’t you just stay home during the damn holiday and keep your mopey ass selves to yourself.

Silence

Take just a moment. One moment out of your day, and turn off the stereo, turn off the television, turn off the beeps and hums of modern day technology. Open a window if it’s not too cold. You hear it? You may have to listen close. It’s under the rumble of cars, the buzz of heaters, the whir of fans, and the shouts of people. You hear it now? I hope so. It’s nature. It’s been a long time since I’ve been out in it, possibly a lot longer than you have, but even I have to admit, there’s a real value in the silence and calm of nature.

A while ago, I heard that there was a man who would make recordings of uninterrupted nature noises. His goal was to get one hour of noises without interruption, in a continuous fashion. Now, I don’t know the exact statistics, but he was asked how long it took him to get a full hour and he responded around fifty hours of recording. When asked a few years later, he responded it could take up to three hundred hours.

Now, I’m not a tree hugger by any means, but I do believe in the value of a communal relationship with nature. We, as a species, need to be careful to protect and nurture the world around us, and it wouldn’t hurt us to turn off our devices and just sit back, enjoying the silence and calm of the world around us. So, instead of looking for something else to fill the void we call silence, embrace it and look for the peace and gentle calm inside it.

Bleh, a day at home...

So, I’m sick. It’s an inevitability, however said that factoid may be. Sadly, if someone enrolled in school at my house gets sick, they don’t get to watch television, eat ice cream, or any of the other fun stuff that other people get to do. If you share my pain, let’s have a moment of silence for our similar plight… That’s enough of that now. The thing I find most interesting is, why I continually can get him to let me use my laptop and claim it’s for studying. Like I’m studying, that’s a laugh. Well, I figured since I have a moment of my day that’s not being consumed by World of Warcraft and my currently level thirteen Tauren Druid (I’m on Trollbane under the name Gattaga, go ahead and add me if you want.) so I figured I’d update my blog, and maybe if I think of a topic, I’ll write another essay.

For those nosey nellies who absolutely must know my symptoms, I have them right here for you: intense chills, sore throat, coughing, nausea, vomiting, extreme dizziness, and loss of appetite. If you ask me, it sounds like something I need to go to the hospital for, seeing as I couldn’t stand or sit up straight last night and I was freezing cold while wearing socks, two pairs of pajama pants, a t-shirt, long sleeve shirt, jacket, hat, and scarf, all while covered under a blanket. I am feeling better today; I’m still really cold though.

I am pissed off about my being sick today and quite possibly tomorrow however. That means I’m going to miss my independent art study (again), my forensics practice, and rehearsal today, and if I miss tomorrow, I miss the sub districts for forensics which automatically means I’m not going to districts or state. I figured it would look amazing on my college repertoire if I added some outside interests like acting, not that I really need a more amazing repertoire. I’m already accepted to my college of choice, the University of Iowa (GO HAWKS! *waves his hat and jacket around*). It’s a very hard thing to turn down when someone with a thirty-one on the ACT applies at your college. The only thing is that I have a horrible (at least for my ACT score) GPA. It’s around a 3.8 I believe, when I know without a doubt I could have a 4.0 if I was trying. It’s just really hard to stay focused when everything is so… basic. Hell, give me another challenge like Advanced Placement Chemistry. God, that was the most difficult test I have ever taken, and I loved it. I’m the resident chemical expert at my school and I only scored two out of five.

But enough of the bantering and bitching. Let’s see… anything else I want to say? Not really, but I’ve only killed about twenty minutes of the… seven hours until I can just go play World of Warcraft on my desktop. Although, thinking about it, I could reconnect to our neighbors’ wireless internet and play off of there, that way, my dad wouldn’t know… Nah, I think I’ll be a good boy. Maybe in a bit I’ll just put on some music and it won’t be a problem.

Oh! I thought of a topic for an essay! Silence! Hrm, I guess I’ll wrap this one up for now and start working on that, I know most people enjoy them, them being my essays. Anyway…

Love

So many people write about it. Songs, books, essays, novels, blogs, poems, prose, programs, promises, vows, religions, and certificates. I wish I could tell you I knew exactly what it is. I wish I could tell you I found it in my life already. But hell, I'm only eighteen, I've barely lived my whole life. All I know is for my age, I've had a wide range of women ask me around and out. From... four years younger than me to... ten years older than me. It's been a roller coaster of emotion. The last one I had, was with a girl one year younger than me. Her name was Patty. She was a great girl, but she didn't love me. I just wish sometimes that she didn't have to rip out my heart when she admitted it. I still think she loved my best friend more than me, but I'm willing to let it go now.

I don't know what it is, but I think I'm getting closer. It's not sex, I know that now. It's not a choice, but it is at the same time. It's not sharing your mind with someone, that just gets new ideas and new angers rising. It's not being a prick to your lady, that'll just make both of you mad. It's not pure physical attraction, there needs to be more than that. It's not waiting for something to happen. It's not forcing things to happen. It's not blackmail. It's not giving up. It's not imagining things will change. It's not making your own love for yourself. It's not any of that.

I think... it's in the little moments. When you first step out into the rain, and the water seems to fill you with new life. The air is so crisp and clean and I think that when I finally find the one, and she's ready to be found... I'll feel like that again. Or, when you hear your favorite song in the car, and need to pull over to enjoy it. You lean back against the car seat, close your eyes, and lose yourself in the soft melodies. For me, it's in the gentle melody of a piano, I feel renewed. Or... when you realize that everything that you've done, culminated into a beautiful flower (metaphorically). Or, when you take a step back from your life, and see the people who are really there for you, and are really shining beacons of hope to you.

I look at the love that my parents, my brother and sister-in-law, and my sister and brother-in-law have, and think... no, I dream and hope that someday I can have that. For my parents, it's a thing done in secret for the other person, or just holding each other in your arms. For my sister and her husband, it's a gentle touch with a soft word or just spending time with each other doing the shopping. For my brother and his wife, it's a gently prodding, reminding them of who you are and then reminding them you'll always be there, or in a simple pile of sand on a mantle. And then there are the other people in my life. The dedication of making a ring for them, instead of just buying one. Trying to be a better lover for them, even if it means losing a bit of your pride. A note on a computer screen, or a gift of a flower dyed green and blue. I think about it all and then at night, I lie back on my bed (technically futon) and think that the only way I can have any of it, is to give up my pride.

So, that's what I'm doing. I'm not going to let myself be tied down and stuck in relationships just to prove that I'm not worthless. I'm going to do the opposite. I'm taking myself off the market. Not for any reason. For her. Whoever she is. I don't want to be sullied and looking for other people in her eyes. I want her to sweep me away. I want her to make me want to buy her flowers and I want her to realize I'm not a paragon. I want her to see the hell in me. The torment I've had. And I want her to see that I'm not defined by that anymore. I'm a new person... no, I think I'm finally, a man. A man worth dating. Not some shoulder to cry on or some burden to bear. I am hers. She's the one I want. And until I find her, I don't want anyone else.

I know, I'm sappy and lovey dovey. I'm a romantic and a dreamer. But... I think for once, I'm on to something here.