Pre-tea Time v2.0

Merry meet folks.

So, today, when the people were supposed to come they didn't. Mainly because after I mowed our friends lawn, I was completely exhausted, I still am. My back is killing me and my head is completely messed up. Part of that may get attributed to the fact that I was doing research for a role-playing thing and I just ended up having to stop because my eyes started to hurt. Not ONCE has that ever happened to me. It was quite the odd experience.

Well, I've decided that for my tea tonight, I'm going to see if I can trick my body yet and give it normal tea instead of the sleep stuff. I think it will work, just because I'm so tired. I can't wait for Friday though, I get to hang out with my best bud Marebear. I have no idea what we're going to do, but I know it will be fun. Probably something Angel or Buffy related.

I would keep going, but I'm just way too tired for it.

Blessed be everyone.

Pre-tea time v1.0

Merry meet, folks.

Today was one of my lazier days. I woke up at about 8, despite my earlier bedtime. In some respects I think this is robbing me of the value of my sleep and just giving me sleep. Oh well, do what you can I suppose. Nothing really special went on today.

I hung out with a gal I know for about five hours (12-5). She's a neat chick. We watched Boston Legal and played Guitar Hero for basically all that time we didn't spend in line at Qudoba or Blockbuster. I did end up getting a kiss from her, and I forgot how nice just a simple thing like that can be. At the end of that my friend Kyle called and asked if he could hang out, I wasn't real into the idea, but I said sure because... well, he's one of the few friends I feel like I have left.

It ended up not working out because we wanted a third party (Buschky) to come over so we could get "The Classic" going. Which is, movies, cutthroat, and pizza. It's fun everytime somehow. They may be coming over tomorrow, which will be a nice addition to an otherwise boring day.

In gaming world, I did no botting today, sadly. I guess I want to get it fully automated before I keep it running. I didn't even touch Achaea, which was a welcome change. Don't get me wrong, the game is fun, but it's a game that can drag on you. Instead I played Oblivion and started to try out Metroid Prime: Corruption. So far I'm not a fan.

In the religious spectrum, I'm still a little upset with my mom telling me my faith is wrong, the little that I have. Those are not exact words, but they're close enough. I really feel like I should pick up some Wiccan reading to prepare myself for when I go to college and try and find a coven to join. After meditating on the sky a bit, I've decided that right now, it will be best to take it easy, and not push myself to change.

And lastly, I'm going to lie to myself for a long time, hoping I forget her. I just hope that works.

Blessed be.

Changes

Merry meet.

So, as some of you may know, and others of you do not, I've begun to start a sleep schedule. Up at 6, down at 10. Now, I've been trying to work out a routine to get my body used to this, and it's working fairly well, but I wanted to add something to my routine. I want to start writing for you guys again, the few of you who bother to read this, the few who really care.
So, in my first blog that isn't me whining about something (not completely at least) I want to say thank you to you, the readers. It's always nice to let my feelings get out somehow, and most times I do it in a few capacities. I love you all, even the few that may come here just to hear someone else's problems so that you don't have to focus on your own for a moment. I know how valuable those moments can be, and I'm glad I can share in that part of your life in some small way.

So, what do I plan to talk about every night? I have no idea, but I feel that it's something that's always been missing from my life. I love writing, but never write. Ironic, huh? So, while I sit here, waiting for my sleepy time tea to cool and listen to some of my more soothing music (which generally happens to be about love) I'll think of things to say.

For starters, today I was really scared. I know, shocking to some of you, and others of you are thinking, "So what?" Well, I haven't been scared, really scared, in a long time. Sure, I've been worried, anxious, even a little cautious, but today I realized something about myself that really scares me. I'm a guy who will go to a lot of lengths for a girl, and I think I've discovered a lot of
that length is to get a chance to get into her panties. Blunt, I know, but hear me out.

I've had a friend that I've known as long as I've known my best friend. Now, subconsciously I always knew she had a crush on me, but I chose to block that out, until recently. Maybe it's the desire for a relationship to sustain me, maybe something else, all I know is that feeling each other up in the back of a dark theater is not where I want to be. Well, it is, because I'm a guy and love sexual things. Sue me. Then, things started to get a bit more interesting; for instance, she said I could give her head, which she knows I've always wanted to try, and she hinted at the possibility of other delights. Again, blunt, I know.

At first I was excited, ecstatic even, to be the object of her sexual desires. Then, when I stopped and took a minute from my purposefully distracting life, I thought, "What in the hell am I doing? This isn't how I want to experience this." And that's when I got scared. I let myself get carried away, and I was nervous and even sick to my stomach at the thought of what could have happened if I hadn't refused the offer as soon as all this hit me. To be frank, I'm still a little shaken up.

Maybe what we all really want, is sex after all. Goddess, I hope not, otherwise we're all in for a bit of hell.

My tea's ready.

Blessed be.

Monster v3

Merry meet.

Well, it's 10:35, and thanks to some really potent tea I'm barely awake. For you insomniacs out there, Just for Kids organic Nighty Night tea by Traditional Medicinals. I went back and talked with Patty, told her how I still feel about it, then I got to see the large number of people who heard about it, come back and tell me it was a bad idea. In response to this, I've decided to take a break, or at least a moderate break from her, and quite a few things really.

Firstly, I've decided to get more serious about my responsibilities, no more late nights unless it's a special occasion for one. Secondly, I've decided that the people who care for me the most, don't think this is a good idea, and as many times as I've begged them to listen to me, I'm listening to them this time. I'm not going to pursue anything with Patty again, and I may slowly begin to walk away so she can have a resolution and so can I to this... odd relationship. I have to say, I'll think of her fondly. Thirdly, no more being a mess. I'm going to clean up my act in general, as well as clean up.

I can't say I'm really upset about not getting what I want, as I often have, but looking back on the things that I wanted and didn't get... I think it was good for me, and I should have experienced more of it. This is going to be one of those experiences.

So, if for some reason, you're out there Patty, reading this, I'm officially, letting it die. The only thing I can wish for you is good times and good friends, and hopefully someone better than I was. The only thing I can wish for me, is someone who can understand the complexities I have.


Blessed be.

Monster v.2

So, basically the story right now is, I feel like I'm in hell. I can't eat, sleep, or even really entertain myself anymore. The few friends that are still speaking with me, which is about ten, are worried sick about me. Sometimes, when I'm really having a bad moment, it's hard to breath, impossible to think. I know, it may sound overdramatic, and it is.

I wish I could explain, why I can't get over her. Maybe it's because I think about her so much. Maybe it's because I still say that she's the perfect girl for me that just doesn't really realize how devoted I want to be to her, but... no matter what the reason is... I can't help myself.

Monsters

The cold metal burns my hand
As I touch the doorknob again
I know what lays behind
The door that haunts my dreams

I can't help but think that
This time things will be different
That this time, I won't see
The monster behind the door

I can only imagine her
Once again baring claws
And showing off her fangs
Before devouring me

I can't stop myself from looking
Just one more time before
I lay down and rest knowing
There is a monster in my life

Long, long, long, long, long week.

So, here we are again. What is this, a mere four days since my last post? Well… let’s go over my week. Lets start at one of my favorite parts so far. Patty. Mmm, love to hate that girl. I don’t even remember if I wrote that I contacted Patty again to be friends, just friends and that was the intention; don’t even get me started on that. I didn’t even start with her, it was her friend Rappe (actually Michael, but Rappe’s the nick). He was a really cool guy and he knows Patty well since his girlfriend Maddie is her best friend. Well we got to talking and I decided that I would like to be friends with Patty. But then we started talking about why things didn’t work out and who’s fault it was and personally I felt like I got the heavy hand that I didn’t deserve, which again, bear with me, is probably true. So, after a long time of talking I realized that I indeed, still loved her, and like an idiot, I blurted this out. Understandably she was upset and understandably didn’t want anything to do with it. I made promises and such but nothing came of it. Two days after my confession of love, I get slammed with, “Would you mind if I went out on a date with ?” Yea. That hurt.

Now, here is where things get interesting. A girl that I love and have attempted dating and I had another little fling where we wanted to get together again. This was two days after I got stabbed in the gut (figuratively). So, we had a night of happiness and talking and yay, happy days. Then she gets to thinking about the hang ups. We live really far apart. Toughy, yes, but not unconquerable. I say I plan on visiting, which I still wish were an option but I really don’t know. Fire number two. I want kids, she doesn’t. This one took me a little longer, but finally I decided that I was willing to give up my dream of having a son and daughter (Cyrus and Aurora) for her. Didn’t even get to tell her before fire number three. This one was the, “I need an irreversible commitment from you.” one. Yea, can’t do that. Can’t do that for any girl unless I’m damn sure she’s the one I’m gonna marry, and that commitment will be made the second I decide to propose. Now, she hasn’t been around which is good because I need some time off from the drama with her, and bad because I really need her to keep my sanity sometimes.

And now, for the finale. I used to be really, really, really good friends with a woman. She and I had some… moments together and one day she accused me of only using her for “entertainment”. That… tore me up. I really was not the same guy I used to be after she accused me of that. And I had to cut off connections with her and some others I knew through her to keep my sanity, because it was slipping. Well, long story short, two years later. Two years. We just got back together and all around apologies and exchanged words of loves, which I maintain we still both do love each other, but again, just yesterday, I got accused of using her again.

Long story short, I’m really not doing well. I’m watching most of my long standing friends fall around me or slowly leave to new things. It’s not a good feeling and I don’t want it to keep going. Lucky for me I’ve found some more friends in a game I used to play that I picked up again because I was bored one day. I hope things get better.

And I'm back in the fray

Well, it's been a while since I've bothered to write anything for this thing. I suppose in a lot of ways, I don't want to share my feelings anymore, as most of the time it's just left me upset and disappointed in those around me. Turns out, I was an idiot about Patty the second time. I don't know if I wrote about that or not, but I was, and I'll admit it. I think my brother-in-law's opinion was probably spot on, even though I didn't want to accept it at the time. The reason I started to miss her, was because I forgot what a bitch she was. I officially hate driving with my father, mainly because I get sick in the car and then am out for about two days after, and then have to get back in and be sick again. It's like a perpetual hell really. One nice thing has occurred from graduation. I bought a really good manga, albeit confusing. The Demon Ororon. Very good. The characters actually keep their own motives and don't sacrifice them for the all-devouring monster known as the plot. Basically a human girl falls in love with the devil and he has to kill to survive. She doesn't want him to kill, and love conquers all, not. Go pick up the series, it's great.

Anyway, what's happening with me. Once again, I'm falling for a girl who doesn't really give a shit about me, at least that's how she acts. Again, I think it's just an act, but hell, I've been wrong before. To hell with it all.