Swallows

Swallows

The sun rises in profile again
To greet me again this morn
My eyes blink open though
Showing my soul as worn

I stagger to my feet
Meandering to the door
My face full of sorrow
And my mind at war

I don’t know what I’m doing
Or why I’ve been doing it
I’ve been lost in the light
Of a dream I have knit

I turn to the window
Lost as to what to do
Suddenly a sound echoes
A melody begins to ensue

The swallows outside
Are welcoming the sun
Singing to their children
And the commuters on the run

I wonder how they find
That they can live the day
When all around seems
To leave me in dismay

But the gentle tones
Seem to me to whisper
“Young child, press on.
The air today is crisper.”

I eagerly take pleasure
In the small joy I found
The birds rescuing me
With their soft, gentle sound

Sadly, now I must continue
On my day however meager
But one thing I will say
The event for which I am eager

When I come back in the gloaming
Settled in my new delight
Excited for the new day
And the beauty of the coming light

I don't know if I want to open up. In a lot of ways that poem I just wrote tells more than I could with just a simple piece of prose. Basically, I don't know who I can trust anymore, or if I can trust anyone anyway. Maybe it's too hard of a question for anyone to answer, from whatever walk of life they maintain. Maybe it's just time.... for a new day.

Attention/Crutch

So, I decided to do an interesting thing today for my blog. I’m in class right now and I’m going to describe the attention span and different noises around me.

Right now, we’re studying principles of God (blech) and there are about five people with their Bibles out following the instructor. About once every minute six separate people cough. There are sounds of people blowing their nose almost constantly. The girl right next to me is reading a book. The guy on the right side of her is talking to the girl behind him, and the girl two desks up and one left of me is making different signs to communicate across the room. The girl in the front left corner is drawing, and I can smell Purell being poured out of a bottle now. The guy one desk behind and one left of me is tapping on his coffee mug, and now he’s tapping his cheeks and making an O with his mouth. Kind of an odd noise. There is a distinct sound of papers ruffling nearly constantly, and the clicks and clacks of the keys under my fingers are quiet even though they generally will gather attention. Now our instructor is reading into a music stand again so none of us can hear him. Uh oh, a question. None of us really know the answer, no one was paying enough attention. Good news though, we got him to repeat it and explain it more. Now a few people can bullshit their way through it and try and impress him.

I suppose I’m doing this for a couple reasons. First, I want to say that the attention and focus of the American youth has deteriorated. I can’t imagine why… oh wait, yes I can. Any show has commercials, and both the shows and commercials bombard our minds with quick, sharp images and move on to the next image quickly. There’s a lack of concern for those who truly do have Attention Deficit Disorder because so many people claim to have the disorder. When in truth, very few people actually have it; they just get bored too easy from having so many different things to do. You realize, it’s generally people who can afford to fill their lives with meaningless activities that claim to have the problem. I suppose I’m a skeptic when it comes to ADD claims. In my days, I’ve really only met one person I thought had ADD, and I was his tutor. My god, if I did not hold his head down on his book, he would not do his work. People need to learn how to be bored, myself included. The value of a lecture (maybe not this lecture though) is in the monotony of it. If you don’t pay attention, you’ll miss something and be remiss when it’s time to review, the material.

On to the next topic; this one being a little more personal than random thinking. You know who you are. You know why I do what I do. You know I do it because it’s the way I relate to people. I tease them. I joke around with them about them because I love them. If I don’t do that, I most likely don’t care about them. You know I care about you, so why I ask, is it when I tease you more than other people, a clear indication that I enjoy your company, you feel the need to lash out and attack me. There is a clear distinction I sensed between when I know you’re playing with me, and what I heard and got from you today was far less than decent treatment, especially to the one person you claim you can actually trust. You attacked me, wittingly or not, you still did it. Why not just suck up that fact that you actually have to deal with the issues and not just push them off under you, over you, and ESPECIALLY not onto me. I am not a crutch to be used. I am a person who WILL give a shit about your life, IF you choose to let me and IF you do not prove to me that you are not worth my trust, my faith, my love, or my tolerance, I WILL drop you out of my life without hesitation. The worst part about it, is after I call you on it, explain why it upsets me, and genuinely try and calmly explain it to you, you try and turn it around and blame it on me. It is not my fault if you fail to come to me and tell me what is over the line. That, my possibly former friend, is the bottom line. The even MORE offensive portion is what your away message turned into, and I do quote here, “And just when I thought I could get two nights of sleep in a row >.>” So, let me get this straight. Not only are you blaming me for you snapping at me, your having a miserable day, and our argument, but now you’re blaming me for your lack of sleep. Go to hell.

And, lastly today, I thought I would leave you with a quote of my own.

“Things don’t get better, they get worse. The difference is when you start to make things get better.”

Random

Random people, I have decided, are some of the most annoying people on our planet. For instance, when I was playing an RPG online, I was guild recruiting because we’re a small guild and we need members, badly. I walk into a new area with a general chat that gets activated before the guild recruitment chat by a fair amount, so I figure, “What’s the harm, I’ll just send the guild ad out on the general now.” And I did. Three separate people (all on the trade chat which I found particularly ironic) instantly pipe up with comments like, “Nice spam.”, “Make sure to join the guild that spams on the wrong channel.”, and etcetera, etcetera.

Now, my thoughts are, firstly, on the trade channel you see at least five ads for the same item within a period of three minutes. Secondly, if you don’t want to join the guild, why comment on it? Most people who aren’t already in a guild are looking for the more intelligent ones, because I’ve been in a few, and I’ve found out that four out of five are filled to the brim with gay jokes and other stupid comments, not decent conversation. Thirdly, I don’t care. You can insult me all you want, but that just makes you look like a weaker individual, especially when you do it without tact and wit. Fourthly, how moronic does a person have to be to think he can tear someone down with a comment like “Nice spam.” Admittedly, it is a spammy message, but it’s the guild approved one, so there’s really no point in bothering with arguing with something that’s voted on and decided on as a guild. At least call me a dick or something that might actually insult me.

But it’s not just online that random people are bastards. A while ago I was in ShopKo looking for new games to indulge my incessant need to game, and two girls walked past me and made the following comment about me while I was still in earshot, “Did you see that ugly guy?” Okay, firstly, I have more decency than to turn around and start an argument in a store with small old women and people who are hung over from last night’s parties. Secondly, wow, be more superficial. Seriously, I’m shocked and amazed that our society is this degenerate. Thirdly, you aren’t any looker yourself if you’re reading this. Fourthly, random people do not have the right to comment on my physical appearance, taste in anything, or actions unless I give them the right to by extending the title of acquaintance to them willingly.

So, as a new experiment, I have decided I will go around and introduce myself to random people, then insult them and walk away. I expect to be beaten, but I’m going to send my message to each random person in person, one at a time.

Now, on to our next order of business. Damn, busy night. I’ve deleted and blocked several people on my AIM, MSN, and WoW lists. All of them annoyed me. I’ll go through the list quickly. Andrew, you and I were never that good of friends. Patty, don’t get me started. Alex, you can’t carry on an intelligent conversation and I’m sick of hearing that you’re bored, I don’t care. Elle, I don’t want to hear about your wild and crazy nights with your boyfriend, you got hammered and smoked up and probably will get pregnant soon; you’re a disappointment to anything I had hoped for in a friend. Miranda, eh, just someone I don’t talk to enough to warrant looking at her name. John and Jewels, I have never spoken to either of you on AIM, get off my list. Sarah, you’re bothersome. Alesha, no one and I mean no one tells me what my motives are, you’re wrong, you’re a bitch, go away. Erin and Mike, I really don’t want to hear about your sex lives and your Halo streaks, off. Lars, you’re a nice guy, just not talkative enough. Aaron, I am sick of your conspiracy theories. Christine, you’re weird and overly chatty about stupid things. Stefan, you’re mopey, move on. Mariko, if that is your real name, you are a slut. Lio, again, not talkative. And Kika, never really got along with you. Melissa, FUCK YOU. Rob, you’re a mopey, whiny, insignificant, cheating, whore. Badkitteh, stop flirting, you have a boyfriend. And lastly, several random insulters on WoW. Phew, lots of jackasses.

So, we have a run through of Act One of The Sound of Music tomorrow and Tuesday. Not looking forward to it, especially since I missed a few rehearsals for it, but at least we have a cool director, who has yet to learn my name. I think I really need to take a day off WoW though. Too much bleh. Maybe I’ll just fish, for some reason I find a sick pleasure in it.

Oh, last thing. Marina. On the very off chance you are reading this, there are a few things I want you to know. Firstly, Griffin is a deuce bag who will throw you on the curb after he gets you pregnant. Secondly, using my friends to be able to see my dick boyfriend, and not leveling with them about it is stupid. At least tell them so they can cover your ass. They’re your friends, not people who will turn you in for reward money. Thirdly, hurt them again, I will mentally break you down to what you are, a maggot on the rotting flesh of popular culture. And fourthly, I do hope you end up getting home schooled so you stay the hell away from them. They deserve better than you.

Moving On

So, I did it. To everyone I insulted, I’m sorry. To everyone I was harsh to, I’m sorry. I had to be. It took most of my cold heartedness to leave her on the street, figuratively speaking. In commemoration of this occasion, I would like to share a poem of my own creation.

Get Out

In my doorway she cried
I stood there bleary eyed
Wondering what to do
Even though I knew
What she would ultimately do

She came in and told me
All the things she could see
I nodded thinking what
I could do for her but
I already knew what she’d do

She took off her clothes
Begged me in prose
To bed her then and there
And weave my fingers in her hair
But she’d shown me what she’d do

I kicked her out of my house
And threw her the blouse
And without a word to her
I showed her what she’d incur
A door in her face

I’m done being used. Done being toyed with. Done being changed. Done being thrown around. Done being all of that. Fuck it. Cut it. Print it. Run it. It’s over.

In a lighter mood though, I am getting to be better friends with people I rarely talked to before, hopefully I didn’t completely destroy some bridges that shouldn’t have been burned.

And yes, I stole the quotes on the side idea from my sister, but I like it, sue me.

Was I right?

There’s not much of a reason for me to write this right now, but I was bored while watching Boston Legal and started reading my sister’s blog and happened upon this, “Nathan. Get off your butt and write in your blog already.” So here I am.

I’m starting to think that a girl I like, doesn’t want me to be with her in the first place, and is just leading me on. I told her that I don’t want to date for four years, and she says she doesn’t really want relationships right now either. Despite her saying that however, she’s dated… two different guys since I have expressed my interest, one after I told her my plans for my future and one after I expressed said interest. Now, joy oh joy, I’m talking to her online, and I really don’t know what to say. Education has always been something important to me. Important to my family even. For someone to say they’re going to drop out of high school… I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s an insensitivity in me right now, maybe it’s the lack of affection I’m getting, or hell, maybe I’m just a dick. Probably the latter.

So, aside from the mild onslaught of a depressive attitude, things have been going well for me. That whole week of being sick really took its toll on my grades and on my extra-curricular activities. Rehearsal is starting to become more of a dreg on my life than something to look forward to, and I find myself starting to become more annoyed with the people in my school. In a lot of ways, for a lot of people, I think they are idiots. Every last one of them. Don’t get me wrong, there are some decent ones in the lot, but most are blindly eating what gets hand fed to them and don’t even bother to examine topics for themselves. That or they want to be “gangsta” or “cool” so they do drugs or smoke or drink regularly.

Meh, I just think I need some time to relax… TGIF.

Superheroes

Inspiration has struck! Thanks to my sister yet again, but don’t tell her, and if you’re Rachel don’t read that…

Anyway, it’s getting to be a new season in my life. I’m going to be off and about on my own in… six or seven months. It may seem like a long time now, but whenever I lay down to go to sleep, I think about what happened during the day and time seems like it just flies by. I don’t know if eighteen year olds even get to say this yet, but in a big way I feel like I’ve wasted my years. I don’t have many lasting memories with any of my high school friends, at least not any good ones. I’ve never been a terribly social person, unless it was sneaking down to my sibling’s parties, but I was young and liked to hang out with the big kids who were “cool” to me back then. I think I lost perspective of “cool” a long time ago. “Cool” used to be someone who had nice sunglasses and a leather jacket, greased hair and a nice car. Now it’s some kid in prison because he shot a guy at school, or the kid who’s got a picture of some girl sucking him off taped up in his locker. I think in a lot of ways we all lost perspective.

Maybe that’s what America needs. That and some common sense. Yes, that was partially a Lewis Black reference; I have the CD, sue me. All the people that we idolized, singers, actors, athletes, and most anything in between… have they really stood up to be the paragons that we should be looking to admire? Brittney, Lohan, and Clemmings have all seem to fall through the cracks in those standards, and call me close minded if you will, but I don’t think rap artists, drugs, guns, and ‘bling’ are cool. It may be an old and cliché idea, but I think the reason I love comic books and fantasy are because of the heroes. The real ones. Not only are they handsome or beautiful as seems to be a requirement by modern society, but they actually have character. They fight, not for themselves, or for money, but for us. Selflessness. Kindness. Sacrifice. Generosity. Intelligence. They have an inner struggle, if it’s love, death, repentance, guilt, shame, or just the ideal of justice. It’s a beautifully woven tale in each drop of ink detailing a characters face.

I know I’m young, I do, but as I like to say, I have the body of an eighteen year old, the mind of a thirty year old, and the maturity of a five year old. Still, there’s an eloquence and a majesty in watching someone struggle. It’s beautiful to watch the tethers of life weigh down someone and seeing them, as an angel of sorts, use every effort to pull away. (In fact a gorgeous picture of that came into my mind, I’ll see if I can sketch it later.) And as I was saying in the beginning of this, I don’t know exactly where I’m going. Right now I’m a little worried about being forgotten by a few people, even though I was forced to stop communication with them, but I still wonder if they’ll remember me. I’ll be moving on in this dirtball we call Earth soon, and I can’t help but sit back and think that all I’ll ever amount to is what I’ve always feared I would, nothing. I want to do something, anything. I want my name to be talked about, and for once not in a negative manner. But… there’s just a part of me that says… are you up to it?

I’d say I am. I have a lot of things I could do something to be remembered by. Science, art, writing, math, you name it and I can probably do it. I don’t know, I guess right now, I’m just wishing I were a superhero.

A Valentine

We may get in fights, or have small times where we can’t stand each other. Sometimes we may give false sympathy or none at all. I can’t promise I’ll always be the man you deserve; I don’t really think anyone could. I do know however, no matter how mad I get at you, there will always be something about you that will remind me of how stupid I’m being, and convince me to come back. I may be too stubborn when it comes down to the wire, but I promise, I’ll try to be the biggest man I can be for you. I can’t wait to see your smile face to face. I want to hold your hand on a walk through the autumn leaves. I want to laugh about little things with you (like chipmunks with nuts in their cheeks). I hope you don’t think that I’m just being a romantic; I really do want all those things. Sadly, to get them I have to wait. I’m just reminded of simple things that I know about you… and they make me smile.

My opinion of certain people

OKAY! I GET IT! YOU HATE VALENTINE’S DAY! ALL OF YOU DO! SHUT UP! NO ONE CARES! GO THE HELL AWAY! I LIKE IT AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO RUIN IT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T MANICALLY DEPRESSED!

Jesus, ya fuckin’ bitches. Why don’t you just stay home during the damn holiday and keep your mopey ass selves to yourself.

Silence

Take just a moment. One moment out of your day, and turn off the stereo, turn off the television, turn off the beeps and hums of modern day technology. Open a window if it’s not too cold. You hear it? You may have to listen close. It’s under the rumble of cars, the buzz of heaters, the whir of fans, and the shouts of people. You hear it now? I hope so. It’s nature. It’s been a long time since I’ve been out in it, possibly a lot longer than you have, but even I have to admit, there’s a real value in the silence and calm of nature.

A while ago, I heard that there was a man who would make recordings of uninterrupted nature noises. His goal was to get one hour of noises without interruption, in a continuous fashion. Now, I don’t know the exact statistics, but he was asked how long it took him to get a full hour and he responded around fifty hours of recording. When asked a few years later, he responded it could take up to three hundred hours.

Now, I’m not a tree hugger by any means, but I do believe in the value of a communal relationship with nature. We, as a species, need to be careful to protect and nurture the world around us, and it wouldn’t hurt us to turn off our devices and just sit back, enjoying the silence and calm of the world around us. So, instead of looking for something else to fill the void we call silence, embrace it and look for the peace and gentle calm inside it.

Bleh, a day at home...

So, I’m sick. It’s an inevitability, however said that factoid may be. Sadly, if someone enrolled in school at my house gets sick, they don’t get to watch television, eat ice cream, or any of the other fun stuff that other people get to do. If you share my pain, let’s have a moment of silence for our similar plight… That’s enough of that now. The thing I find most interesting is, why I continually can get him to let me use my laptop and claim it’s for studying. Like I’m studying, that’s a laugh. Well, I figured since I have a moment of my day that’s not being consumed by World of Warcraft and my currently level thirteen Tauren Druid (I’m on Trollbane under the name Gattaga, go ahead and add me if you want.) so I figured I’d update my blog, and maybe if I think of a topic, I’ll write another essay.

For those nosey nellies who absolutely must know my symptoms, I have them right here for you: intense chills, sore throat, coughing, nausea, vomiting, extreme dizziness, and loss of appetite. If you ask me, it sounds like something I need to go to the hospital for, seeing as I couldn’t stand or sit up straight last night and I was freezing cold while wearing socks, two pairs of pajama pants, a t-shirt, long sleeve shirt, jacket, hat, and scarf, all while covered under a blanket. I am feeling better today; I’m still really cold though.

I am pissed off about my being sick today and quite possibly tomorrow however. That means I’m going to miss my independent art study (again), my forensics practice, and rehearsal today, and if I miss tomorrow, I miss the sub districts for forensics which automatically means I’m not going to districts or state. I figured it would look amazing on my college repertoire if I added some outside interests like acting, not that I really need a more amazing repertoire. I’m already accepted to my college of choice, the University of Iowa (GO HAWKS! *waves his hat and jacket around*). It’s a very hard thing to turn down when someone with a thirty-one on the ACT applies at your college. The only thing is that I have a horrible (at least for my ACT score) GPA. It’s around a 3.8 I believe, when I know without a doubt I could have a 4.0 if I was trying. It’s just really hard to stay focused when everything is so… basic. Hell, give me another challenge like Advanced Placement Chemistry. God, that was the most difficult test I have ever taken, and I loved it. I’m the resident chemical expert at my school and I only scored two out of five.

But enough of the bantering and bitching. Let’s see… anything else I want to say? Not really, but I’ve only killed about twenty minutes of the… seven hours until I can just go play World of Warcraft on my desktop. Although, thinking about it, I could reconnect to our neighbors’ wireless internet and play off of there, that way, my dad wouldn’t know… Nah, I think I’ll be a good boy. Maybe in a bit I’ll just put on some music and it won’t be a problem.

Oh! I thought of a topic for an essay! Silence! Hrm, I guess I’ll wrap this one up for now and start working on that, I know most people enjoy them, them being my essays. Anyway…

Love

So many people write about it. Songs, books, essays, novels, blogs, poems, prose, programs, promises, vows, religions, and certificates. I wish I could tell you I knew exactly what it is. I wish I could tell you I found it in my life already. But hell, I'm only eighteen, I've barely lived my whole life. All I know is for my age, I've had a wide range of women ask me around and out. From... four years younger than me to... ten years older than me. It's been a roller coaster of emotion. The last one I had, was with a girl one year younger than me. Her name was Patty. She was a great girl, but she didn't love me. I just wish sometimes that she didn't have to rip out my heart when she admitted it. I still think she loved my best friend more than me, but I'm willing to let it go now.

I don't know what it is, but I think I'm getting closer. It's not sex, I know that now. It's not a choice, but it is at the same time. It's not sharing your mind with someone, that just gets new ideas and new angers rising. It's not being a prick to your lady, that'll just make both of you mad. It's not pure physical attraction, there needs to be more than that. It's not waiting for something to happen. It's not forcing things to happen. It's not blackmail. It's not giving up. It's not imagining things will change. It's not making your own love for yourself. It's not any of that.

I think... it's in the little moments. When you first step out into the rain, and the water seems to fill you with new life. The air is so crisp and clean and I think that when I finally find the one, and she's ready to be found... I'll feel like that again. Or, when you hear your favorite song in the car, and need to pull over to enjoy it. You lean back against the car seat, close your eyes, and lose yourself in the soft melodies. For me, it's in the gentle melody of a piano, I feel renewed. Or... when you realize that everything that you've done, culminated into a beautiful flower (metaphorically). Or, when you take a step back from your life, and see the people who are really there for you, and are really shining beacons of hope to you.

I look at the love that my parents, my brother and sister-in-law, and my sister and brother-in-law have, and think... no, I dream and hope that someday I can have that. For my parents, it's a thing done in secret for the other person, or just holding each other in your arms. For my sister and her husband, it's a gentle touch with a soft word or just spending time with each other doing the shopping. For my brother and his wife, it's a gently prodding, reminding them of who you are and then reminding them you'll always be there, or in a simple pile of sand on a mantle. And then there are the other people in my life. The dedication of making a ring for them, instead of just buying one. Trying to be a better lover for them, even if it means losing a bit of your pride. A note on a computer screen, or a gift of a flower dyed green and blue. I think about it all and then at night, I lie back on my bed (technically futon) and think that the only way I can have any of it, is to give up my pride.

So, that's what I'm doing. I'm not going to let myself be tied down and stuck in relationships just to prove that I'm not worthless. I'm going to do the opposite. I'm taking myself off the market. Not for any reason. For her. Whoever she is. I don't want to be sullied and looking for other people in her eyes. I want her to sweep me away. I want her to make me want to buy her flowers and I want her to realize I'm not a paragon. I want her to see the hell in me. The torment I've had. And I want her to see that I'm not defined by that anymore. I'm a new person... no, I think I'm finally, a man. A man worth dating. Not some shoulder to cry on or some burden to bear. I am hers. She's the one I want. And until I find her, I don't want anyone else.

I know, I'm sappy and lovey dovey. I'm a romantic and a dreamer. But... I think for once, I'm on to something here.