Love

So many people write about it. Songs, books, essays, novels, blogs, poems, prose, programs, promises, vows, religions, and certificates. I wish I could tell you I knew exactly what it is. I wish I could tell you I found it in my life already. But hell, I'm only eighteen, I've barely lived my whole life. All I know is for my age, I've had a wide range of women ask me around and out. From... four years younger than me to... ten years older than me. It's been a roller coaster of emotion. The last one I had, was with a girl one year younger than me. Her name was Patty. She was a great girl, but she didn't love me. I just wish sometimes that she didn't have to rip out my heart when she admitted it. I still think she loved my best friend more than me, but I'm willing to let it go now.

I don't know what it is, but I think I'm getting closer. It's not sex, I know that now. It's not a choice, but it is at the same time. It's not sharing your mind with someone, that just gets new ideas and new angers rising. It's not being a prick to your lady, that'll just make both of you mad. It's not pure physical attraction, there needs to be more than that. It's not waiting for something to happen. It's not forcing things to happen. It's not blackmail. It's not giving up. It's not imagining things will change. It's not making your own love for yourself. It's not any of that.

I think... it's in the little moments. When you first step out into the rain, and the water seems to fill you with new life. The air is so crisp and clean and I think that when I finally find the one, and she's ready to be found... I'll feel like that again. Or, when you hear your favorite song in the car, and need to pull over to enjoy it. You lean back against the car seat, close your eyes, and lose yourself in the soft melodies. For me, it's in the gentle melody of a piano, I feel renewed. Or... when you realize that everything that you've done, culminated into a beautiful flower (metaphorically). Or, when you take a step back from your life, and see the people who are really there for you, and are really shining beacons of hope to you.

I look at the love that my parents, my brother and sister-in-law, and my sister and brother-in-law have, and think... no, I dream and hope that someday I can have that. For my parents, it's a thing done in secret for the other person, or just holding each other in your arms. For my sister and her husband, it's a gentle touch with a soft word or just spending time with each other doing the shopping. For my brother and his wife, it's a gently prodding, reminding them of who you are and then reminding them you'll always be there, or in a simple pile of sand on a mantle. And then there are the other people in my life. The dedication of making a ring for them, instead of just buying one. Trying to be a better lover for them, even if it means losing a bit of your pride. A note on a computer screen, or a gift of a flower dyed green and blue. I think about it all and then at night, I lie back on my bed (technically futon) and think that the only way I can have any of it, is to give up my pride.

So, that's what I'm doing. I'm not going to let myself be tied down and stuck in relationships just to prove that I'm not worthless. I'm going to do the opposite. I'm taking myself off the market. Not for any reason. For her. Whoever she is. I don't want to be sullied and looking for other people in her eyes. I want her to sweep me away. I want her to make me want to buy her flowers and I want her to realize I'm not a paragon. I want her to see the hell in me. The torment I've had. And I want her to see that I'm not defined by that anymore. I'm a new person... no, I think I'm finally, a man. A man worth dating. Not some shoulder to cry on or some burden to bear. I am hers. She's the one I want. And until I find her, I don't want anyone else.

I know, I'm sappy and lovey dovey. I'm a romantic and a dreamer. But... I think for once, I'm on to something here.