My Ideal

A lengthy post, this will be. For in it, I plan to list my ideals for... everything.

My Ideal Life:
Honestly, this one is pretty damn close right now. I have a lot of friends, some who are better than others but life is never boring and I'm never lonely, except on those rare occasions. I wasn't picturing myself getting back into smoking, but I think it makes a statement about who I am, and besides that, it's damn good fun. I wish I were doing a bit better in my classes, but I know why I've gotten off track this much and I know what I will do to correct it next term.

My Ideal Class:
Philosophy. One class I'm making sure to take next term. I can't tell you how much fun it is just to sit around and talk life with people here, no matter how we are doing at that moment.

My Ideal Night:
Grab a few friends, head down and smoke a bowl or two at the local hookah bar, then maybe head to one of their places and have a few glasses of wine and maybe a bowl of something other than tobacco. Top the night off with good conversation, good cigarettes, and good times, and that's what I'd call a full evening.

My Ideal Day:
Wake up at around 6:30 and go out to watch the sunrise with cigarette in hand, as per the norm. Go find a couple people and have breakfast and chat about the day and all of our plans. After breakfast there would be a couple stimulating classes with a nice break after to look over what I had just learned or maybe sit and have a nice read or cigarette break. Then meet up for lunch with a few more people than were at breakfast and talk about the latest hall gossip, have some good food, then off to one more class. After the final class, it'd be studying until around dinnertime with intermittent conversation and activities. Then it'd be night.

My Ideal Tea:
A nice bold flavor that doesn't necessarily need sugar and would be appalling if cream were added. Something mellow and timely.

My Ideal Wine:
A soft fruity flavor with a sharp tang on the finish. It'd go beautifully with a sharp cheese or maybe some soft bread. Mmm.

My Ideal Computer:
Fast as fuck. Ram out the ass. Insert sexual innuendo for graphics card, and fully equipped with all the latest and best online RPGS.

My Ideal Game:
Fast leveling, but intense fights. A complex skill tree system mixed with intuitive experience gains. Obviously RPG, and non-repetitive.

My Ideal Home:
White picket fence in the middle of the country. A big oak tree with a tire swing in the front and a old fashioned pump well in the back with a small space for gardening and a portion for grape growing. Brick in the front with white siding and black roof. Classy windows but nothing pretentious or out of place with a patio, deck, and elegant front landscaping.

My Ideal Religion:
Focuses on your connection with the divine. Unconcerned with or possibly even segregated from religion wars. Anything goes, but use common sense.

My Ideal Cigarette:
Full flavor, natural tobacco, 100, and it crackles when you smoke it.

My Ideal Woman:
At this point, she has to accept the fact that I smoke and either embrace it with me or live with it. Short haired, brunette, glasses, and a smile and eyes that would knock you senseless. Physically, nice legs and face, breasts at about a B, and a cute, hot, smoking ass. Needs to love to discuss random crap like I do, gets easily distracted, and likes to swim.

Ah the debate

Set myself up for heartache, or give up entirely?

A walk in the night

So, as I was saying before, I have this thing for Audrey. And today was the first day that I went without cigarettes. Well, almost. I had one last group smoke with Andy, Jason, Sara, Kevin, and Nick but after that I was done for the day. So, to replace late night smoking, which had become a habit, I’ve taken up going on late night walks. It’s nothing major, sometimes just down to the Kum and Go (yes, I know the name is hilarious) for a late night iced tea. On my way out for a walk I asked Kevin if he wanted to go, he said no, so I went down to the ground floor and asked if anybody around there wanted to go for a walk. I was pleasantly surprised to hear Audrey say she would after she finished her Spanish. We started to walk and I was reveling in the night and reveling in well… being with her. Then we were playing on a statue and some drunk guy came up and we ended up having to talk to him and it ruined my walk and my time with her and I was just kind of depressed. After we finally got him back to where he wanted to go home, we were in front of Hillcrest (our dorm) and she decided to go in, so I followed. We talked for a while, all the while I’m trying to think of something to say or do or anything and just… sigh.

So after that I took a long walk and calmed down a bit, but all I want to do is crawl in bed and be upset with how the night went. I really want this to work.

A new look on life

Today was an interesting day for me. Well, I suppose it wasn’t technically today, but this morning… early morning. Many of you probably didn’t know that I smoked in the first place, quit, and then subsequently came back to smoking. But the majority of you, save a few individuals, didn’t know that I quit this morning again. I would like to say that I came to the conclusion that this was bad for me was because of myself and my own willpower. Sadly, this isn’t true. It took two very select individuals to make me realize this.

First, there was Audrey. We were making our way to the hookah bar (which is something I can’t give up because I love that place so much, but I do want to cut back) and on the way my friend Kevin offered me a cigar and I accepted it. It was when I went to light it that I caught a glimpse of a look that at least I thought I saw on her face about it. Now, it must be noted that I am very, very interested in Audrey, and currently things are going well. Anyway, this look on her face, at least to me seemed to say, “I really, really wish he didn’t smoke.” This seemed to be followed by a soft, moderately hidden sigh, or maybe I just imagined it. But this look was the moment I knew that I really would have to quit smoking.

Secondly, I owe part of it to my friend Kevin, who is quitting with me. We went outside for a smoke, and we ended up really connecting. We decided, right then and there, to smoke all but three cigarettes each of what we had on us, and save the last three for one last smoke break with friends and the other two for a drive back to Madison this weekend. We also walked around town until about three in the morning, just talking and having a good time. We decided to get serious about being grown up. Not to say that I won’t act just as immature as ever, gods no. I just mean that it’s finally time to take life for what it really is and not what I want it to be.

I suppose, if I were to give you a quote that I think I made up myself just now for this situation, it would be, “There’s a point in your life when someone will ask you what you want to do with your life. Instead of saying be a good person, fall in love, or make it big, I would like to say on that day, that I will love everyone and support myself and possibly my family. It’s a huge commitment, yes. Yes, you will fail, be sure of it. But even if you fail, you know that you will pick yourself up again, and be on the right path.”

Maybe it’s all the nicotine and tobacco, or possibly some other things I may have smoked, but I really, truly, and fully think that this is the moment for change. I’m tired of being sad, I’m tired of not giving everything my all, and I’m tired of excepting no as an answer when the answer should be yes. I’m moving on.

Coping

I had a great idea recently, that, at least I hope, will help me cope even further with the few memories that pop in my mind every now and then from the hospital. It’s infrequent, they’re bite size pieces of half information and half imagination, but honestly I still find them terrifying. I decided that I’m going to do my best to draw what I can see picture perfect in my mind down on paper. After all, that’s how all great art is done, and I may not be much of an artist, but I do have the imagination for it. After all, just look at my poetry.

Speaking of ideas to help me cope, I’ve decided to start keeping a personal journal which will jump start a sort of… memoirs if you will. I don’t really think it will be interesting, and it’s a very far jump to say anyone will want to read it, but I think it will help me out a lot.

It’s very clear in my mind what started me wanting to do this, and I can fully and easily tell you. Casimir Pulaski Day, written by Sufjan Stevens. Basically, it’s about a girl who gets bone cancer and a few of the snippets from her struggle and what it does to the people she loves and who love her. I’m not so arrogant to say that I feel as blessed as the people who have survived cancer, but I do feel blessed.

Speaking of blessed, and it’s a leap as is. I realize I get mad easily about things, but… some things I still feel I have a right to get angry about. And, just to point this out. Instead of making excuses about me getting too mad too quickly about things that you people say, why not examine how much I say to actually offend you. Call it a fact, call it a perspective, call it just talking, but watch your fucking mouth before things get out of hand. It’s not like I’m running around showing it off, I talk about it when it’s natural in conversation, I even try to hide it from you because I know it makes you uncomfortable, so do me a favor, and try to hide your nosy opinionated beliefs from me.

Point, set, match.

Blessed be.

Admittance

I'm scared.

Power in Peace

You know, I actually feel a bit odd saying this, but I feel that it’s something I need to share. Have you ever had a moment where you could literally sense power in something? It was tangible, almost visible, and even life changing. Well, imagine feeling that power radiating in your hand, smelling strong and… delicate at the same time. Now, connect yourself to the Earth and through that connection, reach into the Divine inside of the Earth and feel Her and He wrap you in an embrace, both terrifying and beautiful at once.

That’s what I feel in my spirit, in my life, when I connect to something bigger than myself, through something so simple as a few words, and a tool to meditate.